She was standing by the heavy metal door, waiting in line to fill her mug with hot water. I noticed her immediately and offered a gentle invitation to join our weekly prayer meeting. She looked down and responded through tears, “God doesn’t love me. I have nothing to offer. I don’t even think he cares about my life.” I took a deep breath and silently asked the Lord for the right words to respond in love.
It was a chilly autumn night. I pulled my light jacket tight around my waist as I walked quickly into the correctional facility where I’d be spending the next few hours. I was weary. My body wasn’t cooperating with my heart; back and neck pain reeled down my spine. Nonetheless, I was being called forth at this moment to fulfill my weekly commitment to women much more in need than myself. I proceeded with quiet determination and surrender to the God who knows and loves me much more than I could ever know myself.
Unlike other nights when I felt confident of my plan for the prayer meeting, on this night, I uttered a specifically silent prayer before entering the jail. It went something like, “Come Holy Spirit, I can’t do anything without you tonight so please take care of everything and draw anyone in need of your love to our meeting tonight.” One other volunteer and I were eventually buzzed into the block where the inmates reside after going through various levels of security. That’s when I saw her – standing alone, cup in hand, looking down. (I’ll call her Ana for purposes of anonymity.)
After our brief exchange and with hesitation, Ana agreed to join us. It wasn’t long before I saw God’s miraculous grace pour forth from the kindness of the other inmates in attendance and directed toward Ana. While these other inmates have serious issues and real prayer requests of their own, on this night they harmoniously united together and surrounded the neediest among them with an outpouring of healing love. “You have to take care of yourself, because you matter,” one said. Another encouraged Ana to choose hope and a future and to “hang up” on the voices of despair in her head. At the close of the meeting Ana said through teary eyes, “I don’t know how to believe in myself because no one has ever believed in me. I felt so desperate today, hopeless really, but maybe I don’t need to be, maybe things can be different...”
My conversation with Ana was rooted in the reality that she matters and that she is loved and seen by God, me and many others. Ana deserves happiness by definition of her personhood – created in the image and likeness of God who wants nothing more than her human flourishing in life. Ana hadn’t believed this because she had never experienced authentic love. St. Thomas Aquinas defines love beautifully, “to will the good of the other.” When Ana came to the prayer meeting, she was feeling desperate and alone with no idea where to turn. She left feeling transformed by the love of God who used those in attendance as vessels of his grace. Each person was willing to share an experience of love received in her own life and pass it onto Ana in encouragement and support thereby willing Ana’s good.
I hope Ana’s story reminds all of us that no matter where we find ourselves in life, truly loving another person – stranger or friend – can have a transformative impact on a life. Sometimes it means that we may have to go outside our comfort zone and rely on the grace of God. We should never fear because God does not disappoint. Just look at the specific way he answered my prayer and brought Ana to the prayer meeting – be open and trust in him!
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Jen, not sure if I left a comment previously- if not – just a note to say how beautiful the story of Ana is, I feel as though I were in your midst at prayer group. Love you